I think it's safe to say...

That this is the end of this blog. It served the purpose it was created for. The development you see on its pages reflective of the journey that I have been taking.

Much love guys xxx

Wow...It's been a while

There's been quite a lot on in the last couple of months.

But let's just leave it there. There's part of me that has worried about what I write on here and what people think of me for writing on it. It's a strange feeling but it has disappeared again now.

I've had some serious wobbles over the last couple of months of the like I've not ever written on here about but I'm not going to talk about them now.

There's a lot of things going through my mind but I don't want to write about any of them because all of them are exceptionally negative. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's some fantastic good in the world and I want to focus on that.

This morning I had a lovely conversation, albeit short with FL. It was lovely to hear her voice. We talked about nurturing care and the fact that there is a void of it in our lives. We've started doing a random moral and motivation thing on Friday afternoons with the PAs; massages. It started after V and L went to Take That, but the fabulous part of this is that I've been so giving of my time and energy in the past that I've forgotten again what it's like to receive it. On Friday S gave me a lovely back and shoulder rub. It was such a lovely sensation to be pampered like that at my desk. I felt completely energised and relaxed. I had a great nights sleep last night and I feel great because of it.

Just something that simple made me feel so much more balanced.

Laughter too. Where's that fucking gone? To the point where when I do laugh it feels alien but amazing. Something which was so natural and easy and so ME. But it's disappeared somewhere, it's not part of me anymore. Everything got too serious.

So here's a little committment from me to do things which make me feel great...Off to clean the flat xxx

"Anger from events rooted in your childhood could consume you if you're not careful now. "

Aquarius - 12.06.09

I have been feeling a little bit angry over the last couple of days but it's more about feeling backed into a corner by all the difficulties I've been facing. Now this isn't me just whining on, it's a serious point about adversity and being able to keep going and going and going regardless of the blockages which are put in your way.

However I'm making a decision today that whilst it is difficult and I am tired and I would really like someone to actually take care of me for a change; I'm not going to break. Anger is perfectly OK and it's not something that I will let consume me. I'm too much of a control freak for that.

I am upset that things can't just be easier but let's face it, would I be the person I am today if everything in my life was just easy all the time. Adversity is character building and I know that I have allowed myself to be pushed into the victim corner. The beauty of this is that upon that realisation I started to feel like I'd failed.

What a ridiculous thing to think! How much have I managed to achieve since all this began? How much have I endured? I'm bloody extraordinary, but even the extraordinary get tired. They need rest, they need to stop fighting. So I'm going to do just that. The equivalent of the school bully holding out her arm and letting them wear themselves out with their terrorism. I haven't laughed this week. Not properly and that is a problem. I'm feeling like I'm losing myself and that frightens me.

Fear of losing control, I guess that's what it all boils down to. Being able to define and deal with the situations in my life. Being able to grasp what is going to happen. I know that we've talked about control a lot but it's something important this week. I ditched my armour and I have a couple of weeks of things which encourage me to put it straight back on again. It's not going to help these situations. I AM ANGRY. I am allowed to be but how does that translate into something which can consume me. It's directed at the right people, or is it. I mean I was really angry with Vodafone this week. And the letting agent at work. And one of the bosses who has been making my life very difficult. At the counselling service. Well the thing is that it isn't really anger...It's desperate tiredness...

I'm rambling I know...

Ma'at

Well because it needs to be written about. I did my first full moon in a while on Sunday and it was fabulous.

It was made abundantly clear to me that Parvati was not done with me and wanted that last bit of the mountain trudge to be an effort.

Of course I'm not there just yet. There's a particular thing that we're waiting for...We'll see on that count...Just waiting for the next plateau on the mountain.

Ma'at is the egyptian concept of Justice. She was deified later on to become a Goddess. She rules truth, balance, order, law, morality and justice.

Her symbols are the scales, the ankh and the feather. In Duat she would weigh the hearts of the dead against her feather to find out whether their souls were worthy to ascend to paradise.

Her conceptual nature led her to be utilised as a lawful, pious quality of the pharaohs. Her dedications state her laws to be absolute and each pharaoh promised to uphold those traditions.

Needless to say considering Athena is essentially my 'home' Goddess, I'm feeling really comfortable with her! I'm hoping that the calm that is provided by the balance and harmony of justice will lead me into feeling a lot more like myself for the rest of the month!

Lethal!

Well not really lethal...One of the Exec's here at work has just had a baby girl. His partner has just brought her in to see everyone and I had a little cuddle. Oh, she was so beautiful and dainty and his partner looked so healthy.

It isn't like I'm thinking that I'm just going to go out and get knocked up by the next willing volunteer! It's just that holding her made me think of Tegan and when she was born. When I was holding Tegan in my arms that day, I felt a real clarity in my head that I wanted to have a child. I was of course with James at that time and in a secure environment which I would feel happy enough to raise a child within.

I wouldn't want to bring a child into this world without being able to give it everything I want to; and despite of assertions to the contrary, love ain't enough.

Besides I've got things to achieve before I hit 30 and I want to get them done before I even consider having a child. One of those in particular is the Kilimanjaro climb and no I haven't forgotten (OK so that's technically on my 30 birthday).

I did Race For Life on Sunday, it's 5km and I did it in 49 minutes, running the first 1/2 km and the last 1/2km, jogging over that finish line to Heather Small singing what have you done today to make you feel proud? Gotta tell you, I felt amazing and I raised £72. For the last few weeks I've been walking back from work to the car park (2 miles). I've now added two swims per week.

I'm talking myself into doing the Southampton Race for Life too which is next month. Something to aim for. Get that time down by 9 minutes at least!

Essentially I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. Of course there are my usual dramas, can't help myself can I? This morning I've mostly been contemplating what form of murder weapon I should use to kill the people who currently look after my counselling notes from two years ago because they're stalling. I've been told four times today that the company no longer looks after my company's Employee Assistance Programme, which is just fantastic because I know that. If they were then all the notes would be with the police right now wouldn't they and I wouldn't be BLOODY SPEAKING TO YOU!

You've got to laugh really, that final bit of the mountain climb.

I Believe...

And not in a cooky x-files kinda way...

1. I believe that people are people and whilst I swing between loving and hating them; being black, gay, polish, white anglo saxon protestant, catholic, druid, fat, blonde, reserved, bubbly, male doesn't give them defined characteristics. Stereotypes don't actually exist as much as I might like to lump people into categories for definition purposes! I have been shown time and time again that just because a person is a Gemini for example doesn't necessarily mean that I know everything about their personality. There can be general personality traits but they are a person, different in thousands of ways.

2. I believe in Spirit as the All ("the collective unconscious"). I believe that there are polarities which exist from the All's perception of itself, and that God and Goddess are the ultimate expression of those polarities. I believe that those ultimate polarities are still ineffable and thus we found their qualities within ourselves and that expression lead to our archetypal understanding of the forces of nature and the characterisation of these beings.

I believe that archetypes are misunderstood as just being aspects of ourselves...After all if they're collective imprints on the Unconscious how are they just our personality. They are everyone's personality, everyone's knowledge, everyone's spirituality...

3. I believe that Carl Gustav Jung was a visionary and that he holds the key to uniting all religions in the concept of God/All/Spirit/Goddess/Collective Unconscious.

4. I believe that regardless of how hard I try I will never be able to explain everything about my spirituality and the things I see in a neat and tidy fashion ("step away from the Jung")

5. I believe that I am a conceptual person but that experience is the most important thing a person can do with their mind, body and soul. See, touch, hear, taste, smell, intuit your way through life and you will feel that it is a life well lived. Seriously breathe in through your nose right now and tell me what you can smell. I smell sweetness on the air like vanilla, with cleaning products, semen (! and I don't know why especially because I'm at work !), sweat...

I know...

I know I haven't written. I'm not going to explain, by now you guys should know that I'm not in the best place!

That said there are positive things coming out of all of this at the moment.

Big thing that's been going on over the last two weeks is that I had to go and give another video interview last Friday. I know it's taken a week for me to write about it. Essentially I was asked to give this additional interview to answer questions about my relationship with Nan and Mike after I was 13. For the last couple of weeks I've been in turmoil not really able to emotionally connect with the reasons why they need to ask me about the relationship I had with Nan and Mike. They wanted to know why I was seeing them voluntarily.

The simple fact is that this has made me question why I saw them. Why I went on holiday with them. Why I went round there with birthday presents. Why I had Christmas with them all. Why I took him swimming.

I know that if I was defending him the first question I would ask is why...I know I don't have to justify myself here but I want to talk about it. Being in that situation is not something I can describe very well, all I can say is that I had been forced into a pattern of 'normalised' behaviour where no-one believed me and it was easier to go along with the flow. Pretend that everything was OK. It was emotionally hard for me to vye against the control of my Grandmother and Mother. I have been and continue to be persistently manipulated by people in my life because I have learned that to stop myself getting hurt I need to do what they ask me to do. Even if that conflicts with things that I believe in.

You will occasionally see me push back, aggressively, violently but these will not be against the people who deserve it. It will be an easier emotional release to shake off the bonds of control and refuse to be manipulated, by someone who isn't intentionally doing so. CISters said to me a little while ago that when you start recognising patterns of manipulative behaviour you start to change. Examples coming up of people saying that you're not there for them anymore, that you've become selfish. These are examples of behaviour changing, because you are starting to fight the manipulation. You sometimes start to become ultrasensitive about any form of control; either yearning for it or violently opposing it. You can swing wildly between the two because you are trying to find your way. The level of acceptable manipulation and control. We ALL go through manipulation and control every single day however when you first have that Eureka! moment it's impossible for you not to be affected by everyone's manipulative and controlling behaviours.

The media is a key example of this. I will react violently towards 'heart-string' tugging adverts such as the RSPCA and NSPCC because I believe that they are wrong to try and manipulate you into giving money by playing on guilt. The sensationalist news stories about Swine Flu and our economy are yet another example which make me angry because it is irresponsible reporting (see previous posts about Russell Howard's views on newspapers "Are you a paedo").

BUT we find a way to co-exist with manipulation and control eventually, by securing our own principles and identity. So there's something that I'm thinking I want to go into what I believe in. When asked do you think that you could give 5 bullet points which sum up what you believe in?

Meditation

I walk from the centre of the grove away from the sounds of the ocean. Strange as it might be that I am walking away from the ocean when I am supposed to be focusing on water it's right. The call is for me to cross the river and walk past the house. I see Alex and Daughter-Me looking from the window. I feel guilt wash over me. I wait for them and they come to me. Daughter-Me punches me in the leg wanting to know where I've been. I kneel down and hold her and she's OK again. I think again that just this little bit of affection that I show her is enough to satisfy her for now and how that isn't right. I stand and face Alex. He pulls me into his arms and smells my hair, he mumbles to me, where have you been? I start to cry and he wipes the tears away again. He knows where I have been but he wants me to think about why I haven't been there for so long again. He kisses me and we walk across the stepping stones which lead towards the rainforest part of my home. We follow the trickle of the river, stepping on smooth river stones. It begins to rain. I laugh at the way it feels on my skin, he laughs too. I hear the sound of wind chimes on the breeze and I know I'm almost there. The small covered pagoda style shelter on the left hand side of the small river, with its wind chimes hanging from the open rafters. I lay on the red silk of the bedding in the pagoda and Alex lies next to me. I listen to the rain and the windchimes, breathing softly and deeply. I sit after a short time and see the temple.

I kneel by the water's edge I smooth my hands through my wet hair. I scoop up handfuls of the cool clear water and run it through my hair as the rain drips down my face. A bottle of rose oil next to me I rub a few drops of it with my wet hands over my shoulders, my arms, my face, all over my body. I spend time massaging tired muscles, I focus on how it feels. I stand and walk through the river, going towards the temple. At the threshold I am dressed in rich red, japanese scale armour.

I walk into the temple, it is simple...Bamboo and reed mats...The smell of incense fills the air, a sand incense jar at the left of the room. Lilies and orchids decorate the temple altar. I immediately start to undo the armour, beginning with the sword which I lay in its cradle on the altar. Every piece removed and re-set on its stand until I am naked and before the armour. I begin to scrub and slough off all my skin, until I emerge shining from my old flesh.

And there in this naked and vulnerable state the armour came alive again. Alive with the spirits of my ancestors. This is my protection, this is the river of my emotions...

Water water...Everywhere

Hmmm...Well it's been over a week since I last blogged and this time it's because I haven't got any time or inclination. Well time isn't the issue, inclination is more of the problem. I don't mind chucking up a couple of word updates on Facebook but when it comes down to actual work, actual writing and proper blogging, far less inclined.

I can guarantee that I know why that is. I haven't been journalling properly either and it's down to coping mechanisms. As always putting my emotional state into words allows it to become a reality and where the emotional state has essentially been in a bit of a state for the last month or so it's been difficult to get down to business and write.

That said we've been immersed in water all weekend, on emotional and physical levels. I walked along the river bank, dangled my toes in muddy root water, breathed the smell of water deep inside myself, constructed a Japanese water temple, created a bathing ritual, wallowed in my emotions, experienced pretty much all of them in the space of a few hours...just to name a few watery things.

I led in bed last night listening to the rain hitting the roof, the same again this morning. Rain always makes me feel better.

Another Week Gone...

Pray tell my darlings, does anyone know what the hell is going on with my available time?

It's been a week since I wrote another blog and it's another week of mammoth events! I was having a chat with luscious LMJ this morning about trying not to see everything in my life as another potential drama. Maybe it's a case that I just ride the waves as it were for a while rather than trying to get everyone on the boat and rescue the idiot in the water!

Monday Tuesday was pretty much about dealing with the fall out of Sunday and starting the new look job but I think we're all almost sorted on that front so I'm not going to harp on about that on here.

Wednesday was a BIG ASS DAY. I got up and travelled to Glastonbury to meet up with Step-Mum Gail. It was a weird thing because we hadn't seen each other for such a long time and yet when we did meet up it was like we'd never not seen each other. Both of us saying that the other hadn't changed. Tears ensued, but I learned lots by sitting there in the Blue Note Cafe.

Gail had seen the little girl who I was and she was talking about who I was back then. She spoke about the fibs that I used to tell and the way I used to communicate with her and Dad. It was a bit of a revelation, but most importantly Gail remembered me as the little girl. She said that she remembered me as a good girl. Someone who tried desperately hard to impress and who just wanted someone to love her and hear what she was really trying to say.

As said as it was to hear it said back to me, I felt so close to her in that moment. Someone who knew who I really was back then, someone who saw, who acted, who believed me. Strangely enough as I'm typing this a song has just come up on my media player, it's one of the ones that CISters hands out with their warrior music, Sinead O'Connor, thank you...

Thank you for hearing me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for seeing me

It's appropriate...

I drove back from Glastonbury feeling a little sad that I was leaving her, but I knew that I would be seeing her again and soon. When I got home I had an email from random bloke and we got chatting. Anyway long story, to a v v short one, I'm now seeing random bloke. Will be having fun with this gentleman and will not allow it to become dramatic and yet another thing I'm going to have to survive. It's going to be good for me.

Friday was the funeral. It was such a weird feeling. I still haven't grasped it properly in my head that he has gone. I cried a lot listening to Glen's eulogy, which was perfect by the way, and it genuinely made me remember what an extraordinary man my Granddad was. When we walked out of the crematorium, Clay had his arm round my shoulders and it felt OK to be crying. Having a whole family there and unified in something, it made me feel part of something which I really appreciated.

There's more to say but thanks to Mercury Retrograde I again appear to have lost all powers of communication. Ai!

The Bridge to Terabithia

As unlike me it is to start writing obsessively about a film I'm feeling the need this evening (LOL). I'm currently watching the Bridge to Terabithia for the 2nd time.

There is a young girl in the story called Lesley Burke (I'm not going into all the details of the story because it isn't fair of me to reveal plot lines), the girl is an absolute wonder.

"I seriously do not think God goes around damning people to hell. He's too busy running all this!"

The wonder of her imagination, her belief in the world that she can create, her unfailing devotion to who she really is.

As sad as this film is, there are some extraordinary lessons that we can each take from it: -

1. Believe in anything you want to
2. Love without fear
3. Keep pure the adorations of childhood, don't let them go too soon
4. Family is important but it doesn't define who you are
5. Fears can be conquered by facing them
6. Keep your allies close
7. Understand the reactions of others might have deeper meanings
8. Find a way
9. Grief is OK
10. Your imagination is limitless

I love this film and it makes me feel so happy...Let me leave you with a song...

Someday I'm finally gonna let go
Cause I know there's a better way
And I wanna know what's over that rainbow
I'm gonna get out of here someday

An Odd Weekend

Lots going on in the many aspects of my life. Friday was mostly about men and sexuality and drinking. Saturday was about family. Sunday was about fighting.

All has worked out for the best in the end as tired as I am now.

I ended up in the casino until the early hours of Saturday morning and got home with LusciousLisa at around 5am. It was an immense evening and I really had a good time. The lessons learned were chiefly about choice and what we as women choose. There was a gorgeous guy who was into me, he flirted with me, bought me a couple of drinks, we danced together for a bit, he tells LusciousLisa that I'm 'well fit'. And yet I was still whining at 5am that I hadn't pulled and as the most Luscious one spent most of the evening being groped, discussing what men do and why we love them!

The reason for said non-pulling was all down to my choice to not allow myself to go that one step further with said gentleman and if I'm honest because a certain other gentleman was present all evening. It was down to my choice not to get involved with the other guy and I was then kicking myself for not taking his number.

But that said it was a really good night involving much randomness: -

"excuse me coming though"
scampi
The Conga
"sit in that corner and behave yourself"
Dirty Pink Knickers

I was up and, well not about, more alive and marvelling at just how sexy Lisa and I looked when I had mascara and leftover eyeshadow still smeared up one eye. It was an incredibly good impression of a couple of pandas (what with the not mating 'n all).

The rest of Saturday was spent with family in one way or another. I was sorting out the funeral flowers with my cousin Sam. I went for lunch with Sam and we very quickly chose which ones we thought were best for Grandad's tribute. We opted for a garden arrangement which was so him we both said that's the one the moment we saw it. The rest of the lunch was another interesting time of revelations. Sam is training to be a social worker and I guess the situation with Mike interested her in some ways. She was repeating the things which Ann had said last week about that side of the family believing that I had been kept away from the family once the original revelation had been made.

We laughed about how us four were together when we were children. Clay, Sam, Christian and I; making Christian sandwiches and playing in Grandad's garden. We spent 3 weeks together solidly exploring America and loving what we were seeing. We had 3 weeks of being children together. It was great remembering those times and enjoying them for what they were. Inevitably we discussed the court case and what was likely to happen. I was really touched when Sam said that she would be happy to go to Court with me and that I could have my entire family behind me there at court if I wanted it.

It was lovely to see Sam with her child, Bobby (who is now 2 I think). I find it strange to see Sam being just 24 with her little boy and being all grown up. It was lovely to know that we had both grown into women.

I need to back track a bit because there's something which I haven't actually explained on here yet. On Friday I found out that mum had asked Ann whether my Nan could go to the funeral, I made it clear to my mother that there would be no way that they would be able to go and that she shouldn't really have asked. I didn't understand it really at the time. I was just angry again, angry at the possibility that yet a-bloody-gain mum was forcing me into a situation where I had no choice but to see Nan and Mike. Of course Ann told her that there was no way that Nan could go. I spoke to Ann later on Friday and she made it clear to me that they wanted me there and that none of them would ever sacrific my presence for Nan and Mike. It again felt like I was being protected and that I had my family behind me; but of course there is a natural fall out of that...The worry that Nan and Mike would show up at the funeral anyway.

On Saturday once I had finished sorting the flowers with Sam I went back to mum's. Ian did the Dad thing and had a look over the new car which needs a couple of new tyres and appears to have something wrong with the water pump (dammit). Mum explained to me some other events which had happened since Mum spoke to Ann. Nan was told by Brenda (auntie) when the funeral was going to be (and where no doubt), Brenda and Mum made it clear to Nan that if she wished to pay her respects they would take her to the chapel of rest to see Grandad, however it was inappropriate for Nan to go to the funeral (shock no. 1).

Nan however being Nan is not going to take this lightly and is currently telling Brenda that regardless of the family's wishes, she is going to go to the funeral on Friday and considering that she is unable to drive I find it highly unlikely that she will be alone. Brenda is in an intensely emotional situation and she is being manipulated by my Nan. Mum consequently steps in and tells Nan that she is out of order and that she should stop all of this right now. Nan replies that Dave J (some sort of Uncle who we've all known for all our lives) thinks that this is disgusting and that Nan ought to be able to say goodbye.

Mum replies to this that she is being selfish and that she has no right to upset Brenda in the way that she is. Mum goes onto say that if Nan turns up at the funeral then she will lose her entire family and that Mum will never speak to her again.






I'm leaving a couple of carriage returns because I'm assuming that you're as shocked as I am. Subsequently Mum has rung Dave J to tell him that he doesn't understand all the issues at hand and that if he feels that strongly about how 'wrong' it is not to have Nan and Mike at the funeral then he should pop round to see her and she'll show him my blog.

Needless to say I'm not entirely sure how to handle this. There is of course still the possibility that Nan and Mike will still show on Friday. I tried to speak to my copper this morning about it but I couldn't get through. I feel a bit stronger for this. And having had a long chat with Mum about it on Saturday I think she feels better about it too. We discussed the 'sins of the mother' and that we are all products of manipulation and she accepted that...She recognises what Nan is doing to try and control this situation. That said I still have to maintain that healthy distance that I have resolved to do, otherwise I'm going to go rat-shit crazy trying to do everything, but I feel a lot better about things.

Sunday was frankly weird...Had a big row with Vikki over nothing, which in turn made me feel like hammered ass and ruined everyone's afternoon. Ended up crying in Amy's arms about how I couldn't cope with this anymore. That's it's all too much. But again, these are all things which are being cleared to pave the way for something else. Things that need to be said and done to enable all of us to move on, to ascend to higher levels of understanding, to learn something about our behaviours. So whilst this weekend has been odd, I've learned a lot. And apparently typed a lot...

Picking Up Pieces – Routine

I think that I want to describe to you all why I feel more human today. I got up this morning at 6am. I put my alarm on snooze for 5 minutes and thought delicious thoughts about what today was going to be like. I’ve got a meeting at 3pm today to find out what I’m going to be doing at work going forward…

I then went for a shower, really enjoying my lovely shower gel. Feeling scrumptious. I got out and decided that I didn’t want to eat the breakfast I originally had lined up, and decided that I would have some toast when I got to work. I cleansed and toned and moisturised, decided that I would wear red lipstick today.

I wrote my journal and laughed at how much I’m thinking about relationships at the moment. I wrote a list of the things I need to purchase when I go to Boots this evening. I pondered getting my hair cut and whether shorter is better…

I thought about getting the new car serviced and wondered about the lack of water!

Having gotten dressed, I took the things that needed to live in the car downstairs and filled up the water in the screenwash and the coolant thingy what goes in the radiator, marvelling at how much of a girl I am when it comes to cars. I checked the oil and decided that the car definitely needs a service. Made a decision to book it in. I thought about going to the garage to put air in the tyres and put the car through the car wash. Decided that I would do that tonight.

Then I drove to work. I made a conscious decision not to turn on the radio so that I could hear every knock and bump and whine. Thankfully not much but realising on the way that I really am not very good with the gear changes in the new car, whilst kangarooing off the roundabout.

I bobbed along to work consciously driving, I reversed the car into a different space and got on the bus.

It was in that moment that I realised that the reason my life has been feeling so chaotic is because since I had my holiday and decorated the flat, my life has been chaotic with drama after drama and different process/information to take on every day almost. Today I was going through a real routine and it felt good to have that control over myself and the situation I was going through.

Putting together a day to day routine for work, for home, for me in general is what makes me feel like I can cope with what life throws at me. The reason that a routine hasn’t come into place is because almost every day there is new information to absorb and work through, there’s no time to factor it into my framework and as such it’s just bouncing around in there whilst I chaotically try to get on and live myself.

It’s like a giant bouncy ball, full of lots of little balls which when the big ball is rolled they’re popping off chaotically all around the place. One ball at a time please.

Putting Yourself Back Together Again…

The idea that you are going through an identity crisis isn’t a pleasant one but I guess it’s something that we each have to go through. The blog that I wrote yesterday didn’t actually hit on what I was trying to say. Probably because I don’t understand fully yet what I am trying to say!

A couple of months ago we did an exercise at work. It was a pre-rebrand overview of the promise to change who we are and how we work. The commitment that we each made was to be true to ourselves and the things which are most important to us, whilst being adaptive and able to move between the goals that we set ourselves.

The Real Deal (as it is called) encourages you to pick 6 cards which are representative of the values that we each hold. One of these is your deal-breaker, the one thing that will make you walk away from any situation if it is removed. I did this exercise purely intuitively. I just picked the cards out of the pack which meant the most to me. I meant to narrow it down in the second breakdown but I didn’t need to. These are the choices that I made: -

Humour/Laughter
Sense of Purpose
Contributing to a Worthy Cause
Taking Care of Others
People Acting on my Ideas/Thoughts
And the Deal Breaker – Freedom

It was a surprise to me because I wouldn’t ever have picked Freedom out of a list of words. I’m pretty sure that most of you will agree that the cards do sum up who I am and the things which I find important.

The reason that I’m bringing it up now is because I’ve been trying to find root philosophies. The centre of my beliefs and what I really do hold as important. I am a fighter when it comes to what I believe in, but my belief structure has always been fluid. I will incorporate and expand my understanding of the world as ‘truths’ come into it, the issue however is that this adaptive fluidity leads me to feel like I am not a ‘real’ person.

The fact that I can act in a certain way, and make other people believe that I’m alright, that I’m FINE, leads me to feel like there’s no real substance behind the things I say. That ‘aggression’ and ‘passion’ are just substitutes for substance.

I’ve been working through the Artists’ Way this weekend. One of the exercises I chose to do was on allowing yourself the freedom to play what I want to be when I grow up. I just had to jot down a few occupations that I fancied doing! I came up with; artic researcher, UN ambassador, psychologist working with MI5, courtesan, secondary school art teacher, a ‘kept’ artist, princess, full-time priestess, gallery owner, nurse, martial arts instructor, local government politician, beauty therapist, carpenter, farmer’s wife (Enid Blyton style), an aristocrat, owner of a witchy shop.

You then had to narrow it down to one, and that’s the one you get to be this week. So I naturally chose the most bewitching of them all…Courtesan! LOL. Think Enara Serra, someone liberated in her sexuality, yet performing in a role which we would today view as demeaning and lacking power. It’s the absolute freedom to choose what you want to do with your life but the pursuit of excellence regardless of what you pursue. Perfection in music, in beauty, in your self-worth, in your expression, in your care…

The allure of such an occupation is undeniable, the romance. It is that romance that I want. The creation of something so attractive cannot fail to be fun. I have been complimented extensively over the weekend on how approachable I am, how attractive my personality is, so I’m going to play with these compliments as real possessions.

Service Providers

I learned something on Friday night, something which I meant to write about before now.

It was another CISters revelation. We were talking about how survivors of abuse are excellent at anticipating people's needs. This is the same for any survivors of abuse in any form. You learn quickly the patterns of behaviour of others and how you can best manoeuvre in those situations. It's a natural adaptive process, the difficulty is of course that no matter what any of us did it never stopped it happening. It might have made it less painful, less aggressive, more bearable but it never stopped it.

So the wonderful creatures that we are go through life always being the pleaser/appeaser. We're so very good at it because we lack an identity within ourselves.

We are able to be all things to all people and that's when you reach a point of having an identity crisis. I don't know who I really am. I look at myself in the mirror, I know I have certain likes and dislikes and that these regularly change. I am a person who functions but in terms of real principles and a true sense of personal identity...I'm afraid to say that I don't think I really have one.

I did a tarot reading earlier today, chiefly because I wanted to know what to do now. April was a Tower month. It was a time when all the shaky structures around me needed to be torn down and the foundations rebuilt. It is a persistent cycle so I'm not deluding myself into thinking that this is the end of it but this time feels like a permanent change. I guess it's because it is a milestone marked by the death of someone I love.

The message I received was pretty loud and clear. It's all about you now darling.

Find your sources of strength. Root yourself to the earth and know who you are. Know that change is the only constant. Don't assume that they're all going to try to hurt you. You are free.

But most importantly...KNOW WHO YOU ARE and KEEP HER PROTECTED.

David Messam

My grandad died last night. I don't know what to feel right now so I thought I'd try a little bit of stream of consciousness. I know that it is a good thing that his passing was so quick. That he didn't have to suffer through that last stretch. The pain etc would have been unbearable and it is a happy thing that he died knowing that he had lived a good life and feeling confident enough to say it to those around him.

It is a difficult thing for me to grasp at present as I don't really feel like it has happened. It feels like I am in a dream and that I will wake up. Equally I know I'm sat here typing, feeling, reading and knowing that it is real and yet the emotion hasn't surfaced yet. When I spoke to Mum first thing I cried a little. Not much, just a little. It was like it was the only reaction my brain could muster.

I loved that man very dearly. He was a good man...

I remember Christmas parties, meals out, silly jokes, laughter, gardening, America, swimming, cousins, big hugs and honest kisses, he was a King of Pentacles, I always thought of him as the big practical laughing man. The one who grew potatoes and worked the land when he was younger. The one who always knew what to do with machines to make them work. The man with the pristine house. The one who came to help my mum with all the decorating and plastering when we moved into the house in Eastleigh. The one who was honourable and decent and good.

I am so glad to have been blessed being his grandaughter and with such an amazing man, it is not difficult to see why I valued his pride in me above all others.

I've got to go and see my mum now...

Time for Something Different...

I thought that I would take the time today to chance my blog. Give myself a little bit of a fresh start with what I'm writing here.

My Counselling has now come to an end. It doesn't prevent me from seeing someone again should I choose to and I continue to see the women at CISters, so I will have the support that I need.

I just wanted to take the opportunity to write to you all and say thank you. This is the latest turn in the labyrinth, the latest twist in the pathway. Each turn brings with it a sense of understanding...An ability to step back and see the world with fresh eyes. I'm at one of those points now. I've had my Tower over the last month.

As always I feel better. Well...Not better I feel a bit poorly in honesty but I am doing alright. I feel far more in control than I did before and the speed of recovery, in spite of the challenges that I have faced this month, has been extraordinary.

It is therefore an easy conclusion to draw that I am healing and growing within my skin and it is a joyful experience to be doing so. The momentary dark night has lasted just two days until the dawn, the one before a week, the one before that two weeks, the one before that a month. The only understanding that we can reach now is that I am more conscious of my behaviour. More able to act on my behalf. More willing to accept that the bad feelings of others are not always my fault and when they are, I'm able to say so and do something about it.

There is a song that has been buzzing around for a couple of days. I've put it all down to Beltane but it's more than that. May in my calendar tarot spread was a time for the 2 of Cups, it is a time for connection. Yesterday again that card came out for me. There's been so many synchronicities, songs, numbers, times, friends, connections. It's going crazy, it's definitely time for the next turn so here we go with a definite and happy turn.

"If you give me half a chance I'll prove this to you

I will be patient, kind, faithful and true

To a man who loves music, a man who loves art,

Who respects the spirit world, and thinks with his heart..."

Family

No, it's alright don't worry this one isn't me ranting. This is a good one. It has come to my attention that there are good people in my family, there are also people who want to be good but simply don't manage to keep going and then there are people who just can't be bothered.

I met another ally yesterday evening who I wasn't aware that I had and in so doing found that there are another set of allies behind that set of allies. All of whom are behind me. All of whom are there for me and supporting me and wanting the best for me.

There is an unfortunate habit in my family of people manipulating situations and pushing propaganda to justify their behaviours. The reason that all this came about is that yesterday afternoon I went to see my Grandad. He was genuinely pleased to see me and it felt really good to be able to sit there and chat with him, to be there with him. My Grandad has two months to live, with decent palliative care he may have three months. It hit me with such force yesterday evening that I couldn't stop myself from crying. I promised myself I wouldn't cry in front of him that I would try to be strong for him and not put the pressure on him but I couldn't help it. We were talking about MacMillan Cancer Care and I was trying to be business as usual, I spoke to our Oncology Team at work and saw if I could get the care hurried along for him which I did. But this isn't going to keep him here. All I can do now is to express to him how much I love him and how grateful I am for everything he has done for me. He really appreciated my being there last night. He held my hand back and laughed when I told him about photographs that I had of him.

I knew that I was doing the right thing by him and by me. When he fell asleep for a little while I went and spoke with Ann and it was a revelation. She told me a lot of stories that I was not aware of, she told me that they had always felt that my brother and I had been kept away from Grandad and Ann. She told me that Grandad mourns the fact that he didn't have the relationship with my brother and I that Ann had with her grandchildren. I found out some of the history about my Nan's relationship with my Grandfather. The other side of arguments which had taken place with my mum, and again I formed my own personal opinions about the situations.

There are two things however that I want to write about on here tonight. The first is that my mum did tell my Grandad about the allegations of abuse I had made toward Mike when I was 13. I knew that I had not dreamed what she told me afterwards. I remember her saying to me that Grandad would have gone after Mike with a shot-gun if it were true. And I remember thinking at the time that again no-one believed me, that my Grandad didn't believe me.

I found out last night that he did believe me and that again, like my father, he was assured into believing that everything had been sorted out, and that what had happened amounted to little more than inappropriate cuddling. Ann has since told my Grandad that the extent of what happened to me had not been revealed to him. I felt worried that my Grandad would think less of me if he knew. Don't argue with the way that the mind works guys, it's just the way that thought processes occur, a conscious real discussion would never allow me to reveal this conclusion but in my subconscious and in my feelings that is what was happening.

Ann went on to confirm that Grandad had never doubted me. Even though it was brushed off as nothing, my Grandad always called Mike "the paedophile" and one day he accidentally said it in front of my great Aunt Iris and Uncle Byron. I always wondered why Iris and Byron didn't see Nan and Mike anymore after they rekindled their friendship several years ago.

The next thing that Ann told me was the thing that would reduce me to tears...Ann told me that my Grandad was proud of me. Not just for having the courage to go to the police, no he was proud of me before that and he thought a hell of a lot of me, of what I have done.

I can't tell you all how much that means to me, even now I am getting teary but it isn't because I'm sad, it's because it means so very much to me. My Grandad is a good man and his respect, his pride, remind me was a magnificent creature I really am.

I know now for the first time in my life that there are so many of you in my family who are behind me, who love me and who are proud of me. There is a resource there for me which has been hidden all this time and I refuse to let it go now. Knowing, now that my Grandad is dying, is sad. Before he dies I have time to show him how much I love him and receive his love in return. That is not something I feel sad about but joyous.

Time to let go...

Normally when one writes a blog of this nature it is often the child needing to cut the controlling and over-protective aspects of the mother. The thing is that I am not cutting any sort of over-protective aspect with my dear ole mum, and I need to. I try far too hard to look after her and what is going on with her. Since the last long blog I have done well to distance myself from her and give myself space to feel good.

Today however events reared their head again. I'm not telling you this so you can all feel sorry and offer your sympathies because they're not necessary...My Grandad is dying. He now has liver cancer and will not survive much longer. I don't wish to come across as callous but there is a lot of emotion tied up in what is going on with my Grandad. In spite of the fact that the pressing issue is about Grandad's well-being, mum managed to tell me all about all of her problems. When I got off that phone call all I wanted to do was cry and worry about my Grandad but my instinct was to worry about her.

That isn't to say that I didn't deal with her appropriately. All of the subjects which came up which were off topic about Grandad were given the softly, softly 'that doesn't matter' treatment.

Grandad is a good man. Especially good when you hold up the template of the 'grandfather' figure I spent most of my time with *take that with as much venom and spite as you can envisage*. He gave me a great start in life, made sure I had enough money for my first car. Sorted out money for me to start up a home with James. Lent me the money I needed to get another car when my old one died (yeah yeah I know and I fucking crashed it har har har). This is a man who hasn't ever really been a very affectionate person, he just has his way and in his way I've known he has always cared. I love that about him.

Grandad wasn't told about my going to the police because he wasn't well enough when we did it. When I last went to see him my step grandmother told me that she was going to tell him. I am a little afraid of going there to see him especially if he now knows and is on the verge of dying.

When my Nanny H died, I wrote her a letter. I told her who I had become and wanted to know if she would be proud of me. There is a part of me that wonders whether my Grandad is proud of me. I really don't want my Grandad to die because I don't see the justice of this man dying. He has been good to me, he has looked after me, and yet a man who saw fit to abuse me still lives. It isn't right.

But that said I want my Grandad to be happy. I want him to experience joy and laughter in his life, and the tears that I cry are down to the utmost love that I have for him. When I spoke to Bev today she sent me an email which was written by someone who was looking for an alternative to 'grief'. This expression of love between two people is precisely was grief is. It is an outpouring of complete and utter love. When I read that I felt a thousand times better, what more natural a thing than to feel love for this man who you have spent your life knowing.

It is a peaceful feeling I am feeling now as I write this. I feel more like I want him to know I feel. I want him to know how much I love him, not how much I will mourn his passing. When I cry with him I want to cry because of a life well spent with him, of happy memories and love.

So I am feeling the love and am right on this leading edge which allows me to choose how I will communicate with mum and how I will process the information that she gives me in those communications.

That can't be a bad day's work...Oh and I bought my boss' son a sombrero, maracas and a gringo moustache, as well as paying in her cheque and trying to control an office move. I am a multi-tasking, emotional genius.

New Methods of Blogging…

I’m writing this blog on a new blogging piece of software which I have downloaded and I have to say that so far I am loving it desperately.  I have spent today pondering and decision-making. 

I received three personal emails, a couple of phone calls and two heartfelt chats about the blog that I last wrote*.  There is one resounding point that all have made.  Let her go. 

This is followed by another resounding point…Live for yourself sweetheart. 

I spent yesterday enjoying a fantastic day of wine, agons and ego-massage!  I loved every second of it.  I loved spending time with my people. 

The reason that I have posted the photo is because the girl in that photograph is the real me.  Pretty, dressed as a bush (alright alright a fairy), happy, shining and wanting to remember that moment. 

I love the girl in that photo and I am kinda tired of doing her down and letting others do her down.  She’s a wild, vibrant girl.  A laughing, spirited girl.  A loving, vulnerable girl.  I love her a lot and I want to nurture her.  I want her to feel loved.   I want her to recognise what an important and beautiful person she really is.

A Decision

Just then, literally two moments before I started writing...I made a decision.

I took control of how I was feeling. A song brought a tear to my eye, it brought up sensations of shame. Sensations of fear. Today has been an extraordinary day and yet all I could feel in that moment was fear, upset and anger. Nothing to do with Fran's beautiful song Silent Wounds, which is just a gorgeous and, whilst sad, uplifting song.

So I turned off the song. I put the music player onto random shuffle outside of the playlist that I had playing. Sitting on the Dock O the Bay came on and I felt a little better but I started to realise what had happened. Fran's song does make me think of mum a lot. Today I had a discussion with mum on MSN. One of the frankest we've had in a long time. I've found in the last half an hour that I am frightened for my mum. The things she was saying today were all about giving up. All about being a victim and in honesty, trying to make me stop the process that I am going through with the police.

Part of me is telling myself that I should not post this on my blog but I need to, I think that it's something that I need to put out there into the world and I'm going to take responsibility for my actions in that regard: -


I have got really bad stomach gripes and it is making me very short tempered, keep getting acid indigestion and upset tum it is nerves as I have had enough and cannot take any more so sorry if i was short with you on friday but i really have reached the end of my rope this time. From what that police woman said on wednesday i think Mike will be pulled in for questioning soon then the shit is really going to hit the fan. So yes i am worried about your grandmother.

Awww mum it's ok, I guessed as much. You're under a hell of a lot of stress right now. We've all got fucking poo stuff going on. It's fine for you to get to the end of your tether my love. Push back. You're carrying all the stress of all the situations. Make Ian responsible for his stuff. Me responsible for mine. Work responsible for theirs. You can only take responsibility for you my love. It is ok for you to be worried about Nan mum. But she has to take responsibility for her actions. And she's going to have to find her own support.

What did she do that was so wrong Kirsty?

She walked in on it and she didn't stop it mum. She had it happening in front of her eyes, in the same bed as she was in. She had her suspicions for a 'long time' remember what I said to you mum and she didn't act. She enabled the things that happened mum.

But without her help when your dad went off and left us we would not have survived do you realise that...

You can convince yourself of a lot of things mum when you see things happen, I've learned that from the women at CISters. The women that are there while things are happening. Your brain can convince you otherwise I'm pretty sure that she didn't do it consciously mum but she still did it.

That sounds harsh and is not meant that way but if you had to choose between me and your dad where would you sit...

I know they did a lot for us mum, it's not that I'm not grateful for that, but I can't be grateful for being in a situation that allowed me to be abused.

This is all driving me insane and pushing me over the edge, its not that i do not believe you but my mind will not accept the horror of the situation no matter what.

It's a difficult one mum, I love you so fucking much. I choose you for my support, my direction, all the advice you give me but you've never been able to be there for me emotionally. Dad wasn't there for me either. I know that. BUT he's trying now. And it's Bev too.

I know right now mum that it's the most fucking awful situation for you. Putting it simply mum, there is a level of acceptance of responsibility in every situation. I blamed you for a long time. But I've placed the blame where it lies mum. On his shoulders. He did those things to me mum. Not you, not clay, not dad, not ian. Him. Nan knew it was happening which is why I have to apportion a lot of the blame to her. But that will change depending on how she deals with what happens.

Someone is going to get hurt and probably go over because of this, it may even be you or me it might not even work out at all just cause a heap of trouble that there will be no returning from

I think that you should go for the counselling through work mum. I really think you would find it helpful. I know it's going to hurt like hell mum. But I have to do this now. I have to see this through. I've never had the courage to do it before. I will not heal from this if I don't. It's a cancer in this family and unless it is excised in some way we're never going to heal.

How can i put this... I am like an old house that has stood up to all sorts but the scaffolding has been put in place to support the walls. Now someone has started to take the scaffolding down and i am going to fall apart but do not know in which direction. Just get me a white coat and a padded cell ready co shes going to blow

But that's really ok mum. I've been there so many times. The thing is honey is that all the scaffolding we've put in place is rusty as fuck and it will come down one way or another. This way you can take the scaffolding down however you want to. One piece at a time. You can control this situation mum. You have control over which part falls down first. You have to clear it all before you can start to rebuild.

I am too far gone to rebuild again sweetheart, been there and done that too many times before, this time its demolition. There are no more patches too apply.

It's never ever too far gone for rebuilding mum. You have to start from scratch. But it means getting rid of everything that's bad to start with.

This is too deep for a sunday morning we must shore up and batten the hatches once more and try to ride out the storm. Whatever happens it is all out of my control.

You'll get through this mum. You can control yourself, and your reactions and your thoughts and your feelings. But you're right, everything else is out of your control. You can only influence other people honey.

No i am not even going to try as it has all been down to my decisions that were wrong ones that has put us all in this fucking mess in the first place, i doubt that i can make any form of judgement ever again and as that is the person that i have always been I have to accept thqat my life has been worthless. Den used to say that there is no such place as hell because that is where we are at the moment living it and i have to say that this makes a lot of sense now.

Not worthless mum, you are a great person and you have survived more than most people in life. You have worth. You are a fantastic person who will find laughter in any situation. And I love you. Ian loves you, Clay loves you. You have to start to see your worth as a person mum. You've spent too long in your life feeling worthless. Clayton and I are good and whole people who have survived and this is down to the things that you have taught us.

A piece of poetry
Some are born to sweet delight
and some are born to enless night
its dark here

It is time for you to see light mum. And you need to accept help and love from those around you willing to help and love. I am telling you here and now mum that you are not worthless and you will always have any help you need from me. I love you. You are not a victim of the circumstances around you, you are a survivor and a person able to fight against those things which will try to hurt you.

Not any more. I am a grain of sand with a tsunami coming for me and i will get washed away. We can only hope that we get washed up to a better place.

When you have a moment. I want you to you tube Labi Siffre's song Something Inside. You must move from the feeling of being a victim. You are a grain of sand caught in a tide with a million other grains, if you just try and find a way to learn from the ride then you will find that the journey was the point and not destination (that's me stealing a quote)

play it at my funeral

If you want me to then I will. But not for a long time mum.

It might be sooner than you think i am a heavy smoking asthmatic with high blood pressure and overweight not much chance of longevity there

That's right look at the bright side babes! LOL. We are all dying, it's just that some of us get there sooner than others.

The family rock aka dad is crumbling so it happens babe there is not enough strenth in the world anymore

I know mum and with all that going on there is a feeling like everything will end but this again is the building that will fall down. You have that strength within you mum. He taught it to you. And you can feel weak sometimes but there are people around you that want to give you support. I call you if I feel like I'm in a difficult spot. Time you started to do the same. Why don't you come
over this afternoon. I'll make you some food. I'll take care of you for a change. Let's try and be friends mum, let's try and be there for one another and look after each other.

I have rocky and simon coming over for roast pork. You could come but you dont have a car.......

That's cool don't worry. Thanks for pointing that out!

Have to go as need to get it in the oven, fedding the 5 thousand with loaves and fishes.

OK mum. But seriously, come over at some point this week. Get out of the house, come over here and watch some comedy with me and we'll laugh til we cry.

Bye for now


The reason that I want to publish this is because I want you to see what is going on. I don't want anyone to be angry or take any action or even comment, you don't need to but you can if you wish, I just want to get it out there and off of me. I decided that I was going to be honest on this blog, expressing true emotions that I was going through, because strangely through writing I am able to communicate what I am feeling better than actually understanding what I'm feeling within myself. There is such an impecable filter between my feelings and my consciousness that means until I see it out there on a page I don't realise what I'm going through.

So this is why I don't write when I'm in a bad place, why I don't write when I feel sad. Though there is an absolute acknowledgement within me that when I write I feel better. The thing that I need to realise however is that through the writing, through actual writing of actual blogs rather than silly quotes quizzes on Facebook, I am healing. Action takes place because things are there in the public domain.

So upon that basis, the decision is that I will write. I will write more and more and I will not censor myself when I feel bad. I will write when I feel bad I will get the emotions out there and that means I have an account of what I am feeling. I picked up the Artists Way book with every intention of putting it on Ebay today however I started leafing through the pages and decided that actually there was a reason that that book came to me today. Wish me luck...

Oh what a day

Well I had a superb day yesterday.



First of all my hairdryer broke when I was in the middle of drying and straightening my hair...It's pants but guess what...I found my old hairdryer in the bottom of the wardrobe and I was sure that I'd thrown it out...Legend. So crisis number one averted.



Then the lift that I was going to have into town had to cancel on me. Not a hugely big deal however when I was driving to the train station I managed to skid straight into the back of a Hyundai Santa Fe. I'm fine, however the car is not. The guy who collected my car said that it was going to be a write off. More than a little bit shit but I'm going to attract a perfect little car to me. I deserve a sexy little car.



The insurance company were really cool yesterday (I work for one branch of the company). The guy I was chatting to was really helpful and kind. He got everything sorted in a couple of phone calls and he rang me to ensure that it wasn't my phone bill I was running up. It was just a really easy experience.



I sat there for a little while yesterday waiting for the recovery truck to turn up and started feeling very sorry for myself but I stopped it. I stopped feeling like a victim. I tried to see the positives. I flipped it into a good thing and I took personal responsibility for it. The accident was my fault. No one was hurt. I have the opportunity to get a new car and it really did enable me to do what I did last night.



I don't think I have cut loose like that for a long time. Not worrying about how to get home. Not stressing about how much money I was spending. Just having a really fucking good time. I just really let go of the control of the situation and allowed things to happen and lo and behold it was great. The worry that I tend to feel relatively regularly about how things will turn out simply vanished.

Having had a hell of a lot to drink and an extremely good dancing session in Reflex we all meandered to our respective homes. I was very very drunk and the room continued to spin for about 8 hours more.

Today I have galavanted into town on the bus, watched a film, discussed many many topics and caught the train home. I walked from Ashurst home, took a little while as I was fighting shitty full beam headlights. I'm feeling rather sleepy now...

Jade...Nuff Said...

Parky Attacks Jade Goody


What a load of tripe. Michael Parkinson is the only one honest enough to turn around and attack the media for their behaviour towards Jade Goody.


Jade...Bless her...Was not well educated and said some of the stupidest things for all the media to see. She was attacked for her own racist comments. Hung out to dry every time she said something silly. The media and ourselves persistently ridiculed her for the way that she looked, the things she said.

"They were trying to use me as an escape goat."

"I'm the 25th most influential person in the world and I don't even know what the word means."

"Sherlock Holmes invented toilets."

"Has Greece got its own moon?"

And whilst Max Clifford might be 'sad and surprised' at the comments, he shouldn't be. Max himself engineered the publicity machine behind Jade's bad deeds.


I think Sir Parky says it best when he says: -


"She was projected to celebrity by Big Brother and, from that point on, became a media chattel to be manipulated and exploited till the day she died."


The media outcry at his remarks is just another sad example of the disgusting behaviour we seem to love seeing from our 'news' providers. She has died, let her rest, let her children have a life and fuck off and leave them alone (especially you Mr Clifford).

Hrm....

How's this for a dream then my lovelies. I've finished decorating my flat and I'm really pleased with the colour. I feel really proud about it. I've climbed into the attic and put some bits and pieces away up there.

When I come back down I find mum in the lounge. She's saying that she doesn't like the colour that I've put up on my walls and that she thinks it ought to be lighter. I turn around and sit in the corner where my television is. Then I look up and I watch her white-wash all the blue. At first I think it's just to lighten the colour of the blue. Then when I look again I find that she has completely painted the whole room white again, there are little bits of blue struggling through but I am so angry with her. Hurt and angry. I start to cry and shout at her, how dare she come in and just change everything that I've done.

She just looks at me with one of her 'you're making something out of nothing' looks. This infuriates me even more. I hit her, like a child would hit just peppering her with my tiny fists (I'm like a child at this point). She just glazes over. Then she starts to say that she didn't realise it meant that much to me. She doesn't offer to help paint it back the way it was, she just walks off leaving me in tears that everything I had done was ruined.

I don't think I need to bother explaining what I think this dream is about.

Awesomeness Discussed...

It's an odd thing this concept of Awesomeness. I know that there are a number of people out there in the world who I would happily count in the Awesome crew. Beautifully talented people, beautiful singers, beautiful artists, beautiful orators, beautiful spirtuals, beautiful dancers, beautiful laughers.

They mean a lot to me because they inspire me, exceptionally so. They are extraordinary examples of humanity. The reason that I am writing this is because whilst I am awe-inspired to view these people as exceptional; I do not count myself in the Awesome crew. I'm just a passenger on the train to destination Awesome!

Strange analogy as that may be it fits. I think quite a lot of the time that I am waiting to become Awesome. My potential is Awesome, I know that. However the actually being Awesome, that's something to wait for however there are people in my life that make me feel like I'm included in the Awesome crew; people like the JungBabe who said this...

Take the Gorgeous Kirsty, for instance. A marvel in creative literature, artistic, intelligent and nurturing, these attributes shine through, with her numerous journals and particularly tasty cooking!! She has no need to brag, the evidence is there, however, should she choose to shout out loud about any of these things, she would be quite within her rights to do so and so she should. There are a hell of a lot more people who claim to be great at things, but have yet to back up their claims. I firmly beleive that those who crow the loudest, have less to crow about.

Things like this weird me out because I don't feel like I can accept that I am awesome. Yet maybe like beauty, awesomeness is in the eye of the beholder.

I can see JungBabe's awesomeness personified in her blogs, in her spirit of freedom, in her ability to find laughter wherever she can, in her infectious enthusiasm, in her energy, in her creative projects. Yet when she qualifies mine in the real and actual world it feels strange, good but strange.

Bev too is an extraordinary writer, journaller, reader, nurturing, gorgeous human. Her awesomeness radiates from her and in the things that she does. She does her level best to ensure that I feel awesome too. It's a great thing...

I feel pride a lot of the time in the things that I do and achieve however there is a part of me which is always undermining the achievements. Thus I keep myself out of the Awesome crew!

Heather Small...What have you done today to make you feel proud...

Finding Things Out

Well I should be decorating right now but I'm bored of it at the moment. In a little while I'll get excited again but at present I am waiting for woodwork to dry in the bedroom and bathroom and looking up beds on the internet because I'm bored of mine! LOL. Lots of boredom essentially.

You know in a world so full of wonders, humans have managed to invent boredom - Death

I'm writing today because I got back from my Dad's yesterday and I spent a wonderful couple of days with them. As I drove down the road last night towards the M4, leaving behind my welsh family, I started crying.

It evoked all the things that had been said over those couple of days. The incessant demand for affection from my little sister, the honest support I get from Bev, Alex's ease of spirit and playing, and Dad's honesty, Dad's presence, Dad's love. I remembered all the times Clayton and I would be screaming for Dad not to leave us, all the times that I put all that pressure on his shoulders and the way that Mum would blame us kids for missing him.

It's such a difficult thing to sit here and discuss because regardless of how I write this it is going to sound like I'm placing blame on someone's shoulders. I'm not. What is done is done and there is nothing you can do to change it but you can learn from it and over the last couple of days what I have learned is that parents are human. Not superhuman. They are not the gods that I think we want them to be. Once we can accept that these people who are in our lives are just human with all the failings and wonders that humans possess.

I have also learned that no-one put them in that position except from me. My expectations put the people in my life into the boxes that they are and as a result when they disappoint me it's not them, but me that has to understand that it is my belief and my expectation that should be altered or accepted.

It's the key to happiness, if ultimately every single person in the world took responsibility for the things they do, say and feel then I suspect the world would be a much happier place. I know for a fact that I have spent much of my life expecting someone else to give me the revelation that will mean that I am now able to 'grow-up', or be good, or be healthy, or be better. The only revelation that I can learn is that I'm the only person who can affect change within my life. No white knight, no superhero, no God or Goddess...Just me.

That isn't to say that help doesn't come from external sources but they are inspirations to enable you to make the connections, take the actions...Ultimately the winning lottery numbers can come to you in a dream, but you have to buy the lottery ticket...You could be rescued from certain peril by the kind words of a friend, but you have to listen...So I have now been saved, I've been told that I can take the actions I need to in order to look after my own personal happiness. What am I going to do to secure that happiness?

Something Constructive

Rather than talking shite on Facebook all day which I have been doing for the last couple of days I thought I'd log into my blog and do a timely update.

There have been many realisations over the last week. I'm currently on holiday doing a spot of decorating and catching up with people. I needed a break from work in honesty because it was getting a little bit stressful!

I finished work last Thursday and spent the evening with people from work being very silly then on Friday I met up with George and went to Burley. Sitting there chattering away I realised how much I had voluntarily isolated myself from people and how much I was desperately enjoying being around people again.

On Friday night I went for my second to last counselling session with my 121 counsellor. There was a discussion about behaviours as usual however there was something that became clear. On one hand I put all my power into the hands of other people expecting someone to save me. The other side is down to assumption that no-one will ever listen to me, let alone actually save me! This combined mean that I swing wildly between an adult over controlling limiting Kirsty and a naive victim little girl Kirsty. All of these behaviour follow a clear cycle of: -

1. Suffers Abuse

2. Tells Someone

3. Isn't Heard

4. Seeks a method of coping

And then back to 1. The thing is that I am being heard and someone is taking action on my behalf. I just don't 'feel' like they are. I mean I know that there are people all around me who are prepared to fight for me and work with me. They are prepared to act on my behalf and are doing so (thank you...You know who you are). However the model of behaviour that I have learned is that regardless of what I know, nothing will be done about it.

I know I was abused; nothing was done. I know I told my mum; nothing was done. I know my nan walked in on it; nothing was done. I know I sought attention; nothing was done. I know I confronted mum; nothing was done. I know I stopped him; nothing was done.

You can see how it's a pattern of behaviour that I would easily have learned. The difference now is that I am aware of that pattern of behaviour so it's time to start thinking of a way to change the cycle.

I'm starting with decorating. We'll see where it goes from here.

Complete and Unquestionable Love....

i miss you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much
i'm not rockin chikin anymore
i love u love t xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

This email came through to me today and whilst you guys might not appreciate how gorgeous these few lines are, they really touched me.

My lovely little sister (affectionately known as the Anti-Christ) gives love and affection so very freely toward me and it's only as I write this that I truly recognise the worth of it. My Dad too has always freely expressed his love for me. I guess it's in that recognition that there are people in this world who do love me, utterly unconditionally, without judgement, without anger, they just love me, precisely as I am.

So convinced have I been of my unworthiness of love, that I have rejected it out of hand. Dismissed expression of it as something that someone felt duty-bound to express rather than genuinely feeling it. How very rude of me to ignore someone else's opinion...

I'm starting to recognise some of these patterns and I realise that what I write on this blog will be quite cyclical because occasionally I do recognise my worth. I feel able to comprehend the patterns and put in place the behaviours which would help me deal with the situation, but at the moment I'm just being reflective and feeling like a 'victim'.

Negative Thoughts

1. Personalisation
Even though it’s largely out of your control you blame yourself for a negative event that occurred 'If I had taken more care, I never would have lost my mobile phone.'

2. Filtering
One negative happening, such as a rude comment made to you during an otherwise enjoyable evening changes your whole perspective on the evening and puts you on a downer

3. Rejecting praise
Closing off the positive such as a compliment, affectionate gesture or praise goes unnoticed, ignored or deflected; you might reply with, 'It’s no big deal.'

4. Drawing false conclusions
You draw negative conclusions without getting your facts straight. You try and predict the future or guess what someone else is feeling 'My sister is upset, she must be angry with me.'

5. Negative reasoning
You are sure that your negative opinion of a situation reflects reality. Such as: 'My husband drops his socks on the floor just to aggravate me.'

6. Using the word 'should' in your vocabulary
You adhere to being a perfectionist and following certain rules about what you 'should' be doing. You feel useless and guilty when you can’t stick to your rules.

7. Overgeneralisation
One negative event, such as an insult from your partner or an argument with someone causes you to exaggerate the situation. For example, you might think, 'She’s always cold' or 'You can’t trust anyone.'

8. Labelling
Rather than learning from a mistake and using it as an experience that has helped you grow as a person, you label yourself negatively: 'I’m a failure.' You do the same to other people too: 'She’s so controlling.'

9. Magnification or minimisation
You wind yourself up so that molehill problems become mountains 'I know I won’t be any good at it.' Or you minimize anything that might make you feel good, such as appreciation for a kind act you did or the recognition that other people have flaws, too.

10. All or nothing
If you don’t perform with perfection, then you consider yourself a complete failure.

© MSN 2009

Well let's face it we've all done these things at some point. The problem comes when they are part of everyday life, which they are for me.

Understanding the way that you undermine yourself and your beliefs is crucial to starting to change those patterns of thinking. Over the last couple of weeks I've had this challenged over and over and over again. Even when you try to do something positive for yourself there are circumstances externally which turn around and tie in directly to that negative behaviour and link you to old patterns of behaviour. But I'm learning, still working, eventually I'll get there!

To quote QoP...This is a temporary situation

Personal Investment

Something from work (it is copyrighted to someone but I don't know who so please don't steal it and blame me).

We've been doing some work at work (funnily enough) focusing on how we invest ourselves in projects.

High attitude and high energy is of course what we're all aiming for however there's quite a few times within a project (or every day as I'm currently feeling) where you can switch between all of those behaviours. The issue is how do we attempt to get in that top box with our communication styles and personal feelings?

This model is designed to help you measure your control of the situation and how you can make an attitude choice. This is 100% about empowerment, we all have it within us to make choices and decide how to react to a situation. Even though we feel like sometimes we don't have a choice...We do. Do you allow yourself to feel like a victim of the situation or do you turn it around to make the situation work for you?

Feels almost magical when it's put so simply doesn't it? Of course practical application of the model is always a different story. How do you make a player out of a terrorist when all you want to do is give up? Your energy has waned you have nothing left to give. You either choose to take a moment out and re-connect with the things that make you passionate about what you're doing or you sit in your victim box.

Again, some food for thought.